First Ultrasound!!!

Today, 12/28/12 at 7:30am was our first ultrasound at 5 weeks and 4 days.  I was very nervous this morning on our way because I knew there was a chance the fetus would not be in my uterus (fallopian tube which would be an ectopic pregnancy which cannot survive) or there could be a chance there would not be a sac or there would be an empty sac....today was very anxiety-driven! We arrived for our appointment, they took me back, took my blood pressure, 124 over 72 which I was surprised because I felt it was going to be very high today!  I changed and Melissa, the physicians assistant, came in and began my internal ultrasound.  Right away a dark circle popped up on the screen! I was not sure what I was looking at but Melissa said it was great! The black circle we were looking at was the "sac" that would turn into the placenta that will hold the baby and the little white spot in the middle of the black circle is the fetus!!! She said its still tiny and hard to see but she believes there is just one baby in there.  We are so happy and so thankful!!!!!  Andy did get sad for a second because he asked me that if only one baby is in there then that means one of the embryos did not survive and I said yes but that is why we put 2 in to hope that one of them, if not both, would be strong enough to stay with us. It is sad to think that we lost one, but we are THRILLED to see one survive and to actually be looking at it on the screen! FINALLY, we are looking at the beginning of a life on that SCREEN that has always just been empty or showing my ovaries!!!!! We of course got wonderful print outs of our little fetus and I just can't stop looking at them, I don't know if thats normal or weird??? I'll go with it regardless and take it alllllllll in!!! We will be going back next Friday, January 4th at 8:15am for another ultrasound at 6 weeks 4 days and will hopefully be able to see the heartbeat!!! WOW!!!

12/21/12 has arrived!

Pregnancy test 12/25/12, Merry Christmas!

Our cute way of announcing to family & friends! Just because we have a different journey to pregnancy, doesn't mean we don't want a cute announcement!!! haha

The sign we gave my Mom as her "announcement"

First EVER positive home pregnancy test! I know we got the blood test, but I still really wanted to do a home one! I've never seen 2 pink lines!!! 12/21/12 pm

YAY!!!!! 2 pink lines are AWESOME to see! 12/22/12

Merry Christmas!!! We got the BEST gift ever!

This morning I woke up and realized today was the day I would get my blood test to determine if either of the embryos were sticky and stuck with me!!!  Andy and I decieded we wanted to receive the phone call together so I went to work in the morning, left work in early afternoon to go get my blood drawn and then went back to work.  So many people told me that they couldn't believe I came to work today, but what was I going to do? This day was one of the most nerve racking days of my life.  I couldn't just sit at home and think, I was glad to be at work and have my mind, somewhat, busy.  My wonderful friends/coworkers really helped keep my mind busy as well and made the day fly by and it was filled with so much positive energy!  3:10 came, the students were dismissed, I said bye and happy holidays to everyone at school and I left school at 3:30 to make it hope before 4:00 which is when I asked the office to call with results.  Andy got home right before I did and we both sat down on the sofa at 4:00 with phone in hand.  4:05 rolled around.....we were so anxious and didn't know what to do, we put the TV on and talked about how our day went, but neither of us could focus and didn't really care at that moment about anything other than my phone ringing.  Andy was so supportive, he even sent beautiful flowers to me at work earlier with a wonderful message explaining that no matter what happens we are in this together and will always love each other.....he is the best!!! FINALLY!!!!! 4:40 comes and the phone rings......my heart totally stopped, Andy turned the TV off, I grabbed the phone, pen and paper and answered........it was Melissa, one of the head IVF nurses from RAD. She said "Hi Lindsey, I'm calling with your blood test results," I said "oh gosh, ok, go ahead,"  Melissa said "its great news, your test came back positive! Congratulations, you are pregnant!"  This was such a surreal moment.......Andy and I looked at each other in amazement! I began to cry, Andy teared up and then we remembered Melissa was still on the phone, haha.  She explained that our HCG level was 250 which is a great starting number.  I asked her if by the number, could they tell if both embryos survived? She said they would not be able to tell just yet but in a few weeks an ultrasound will be able to tell.  She said I needed to come back in on 12/24/12 for a repeat blood test to be sure the level doubles to 500. We hung up and were in complete shock, I think we still are.  It worked....it really worked!!!!!! Holy crap, we were so happy and just could not wait to tell our families!!!! We sent a picture to my Mom of a sign we bought a year ago at the beach hoping to give to her soon as the "we're pregnant" announcement, but we had to keep it wrapped up and in our desk drawer because it wasn't going to be used anytime soon we thought.  The sign had a lovely saying about having a Mom like her is wonderful because her grandkids are also so lucky (along those lines) and then my Mom called me, one of the best phone calls of my life, one I've been waiting for for A VERY LONG TIME!  I answered and my Mom, who sounded like she could barely catch her breath said "Lindsey.......Lindsey......" The pure joy in her voice, even though she was crying, was so wonderful.....I said "we are pregnant! the test came back positive!" I explained what the nurse said and my numbers and all and she had me on speaker phone so my Dad and brother could hear as well, they were all so happy for us, you could just hear it in their voices, it was wonderful.  We then called Andy's parents and they were so happy for us as well.  We then began telling some of our close friends.   We know many people say its bad luck to tell people before 12 weeks and all, but all of our family, friends and even coworkers have been there for us every step of the way and know exactly what has been going on that people are so excited and anxious, we couldn't not share the news and we knew we were going to share the news regardless of the outcome.   We hope and pray that everything will continue to grow and develop appropriately.  We received our levels on 12/24 and they were supposed to be at at least 500 and they came back at 613! Woo Hoo! So then I got another blood test on 12/26 which should have doubled to about 1230 and it came back at 1356! YAY!! So tomorrow, 12/28/12 we will be going in for our very first ultrasound to see our little seed(s)! We are hoping to maybe see the heartbeat.  I am only 5 weeks and 3 days along, so they aren't sure if we'll be able to see it yet but we'll hopefully be able to see a little something.....CANNOT WAIT!!!!!  Thank you all so much for reading our journey so far, I can't believe how much it has actually helped me through our process.  I can't wait to continue blogging and telling our story.

4 little embryos

Not a lot to blog about today.

We received a message this morning explaining that our other 4 little embryos that we were hoping would catch up and grow a bit more, unfortunately did not make it. These embryos were discarded this morning and we will have no frozen embryos for future uses. 

This really pulls at my heart. Again, I know they're just embryos and many people feel differently about what is an "embryo" and what is a "baby," and I personally don't care what stage of development or label they're given.....they were part of me and part of Andy and were living beings at one point.....I wish we could have done something to make them stronger and survive. 

On a positive note, we are still hopeful and praying that the 2 tiny ones transferred into me on Saturday will be stronger now that they're with me. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

More pictures of our Journey

My favorite ornament this year

Decorated our tree-keeping my mind happy and busy

We do not want IVF ruling our lives-so, we were shopping at the mall, found a dressing room and did our shot! Don't judge us......haha

Nurse Steltz

Sorry for so much skin, after each shot I have to always apply pressure!

Follicles in the left ovary

The big chumba wumba follicle in the right ovary

A gift from my amazing sister....hung right above my desk

My BEYOND supportive friends taking me to lunch on the day I was scared to get a call about my embryo status

This picture does not do the needle justice! Progesterone butt shot! Come see it in person  :)

Waiting for my bladder to fill!

Singing to the Christmas music to not think about my full bladder

Andy said I looked so cute he couldn't stop snapping pictures....silly man!

Possible dance move? We have to have fun with our journey.....

12 Days of IVF- photos

I have AMAZING friends. They put these gifts together just to be sure I smiled once every day....how does a girl get so lucky??? Every single gift had meaning and I love them all. xoxo to Megan Boyle and Jen Walters.

Transfer Day is here!

Saturday, December 8, 2012
After everything we've been through, the physical pain, poking, prodding, needles, bruising, bleeding, bloodwork, tons of tools inserted in me, surgeries, arguments, emotional roller coasters, tears, anger, confusion.......it all does not matter anymore. Today we will be going in to transfer an embryo and hope it develops into a baby. We woke up this morning, I took my daily prenatals and other pills with breakfast, showered and began drinking water at 9:30am as told. Our transfer was pushed back to 10:15am and we had to be at the office at 10am. We arrived at the office and I was finishing my 32oz of water as we walked in. We waited in the waiting room for 15 minutes…..why they have you arrive 15 minutes early to just sit and wait, I have no idea? But we did, along with many other couples that were there for their daily monitoring just like we were last Saturday. They called us back and walked us into the same OR I had my retrieval surgery in 5 days prior. I laid down on the table and the nurse put the ultrasound on my pelvic area, pushed very hard and right away said “oh no, you’re completely empty.” I said “WHAT??? I’ve already drank 2 bottles of water.” She said I needed to drink more and she’d be back in 15 minutes, oh my goodness, why does my bladder do these games…..oy!

So I drank more water, Andy played calming Christmas music on my phone and I walked around (some slow dancing too)the OR to get my mind clear and off of my bladder. She FINALLY came back in when I was at this point almost in tears and wanting to hold myself like a 3-year old in potty training. She checked my bladder via ultrasound and she said “Perfect! You’re full and ready to go! I will go see if the doctor is ready.” She left. I whipped my head around to Andy and said “for real? I’m full and ready and NOW we are checking to see if the doctor is ready???” We waited for 10 minutes…….

 The doctor came in and told us he just spoke to the embryologist and took a look at our embryos. He said all 6 were still living, however, 4 of them were pretty far behind in their development and 2 were strong but not at the blastocyst stage, which is the stage they like them to be at for transfer. The doctor said they both were right about to reach that stage and probably will in the next 6-8 hours. I was not expecting this. I asked if this meant we were not transferring today, he said “Oh no, no we are still going to transfer; the question is, how many.” He then explained that since we have 2 that are almost at blast stage, that he would be ok with transferring both in. He suggested and always suggests only doing 1 because he would not want to create an already “high-risk” pregnancy, however, he told us that implanting 2 would increase our chance of success slightly. He left us alone for a few minutes to talk it over. This was a VERY IMPORTANT decision and I was slightly annoyed that I had to make this decision when I was dancing around the OR holding in my urine.

Andy and I discussed it for a few minutes and both agreed our hearts told us to transfer both embryos. After we made our decision, I lost it……very embarrassing……Andy had to grab the bedpan and in the middle of the OR, there I was…..squatting with a blanket wrapped around me, a bedpan between my legs…..releasing my poor bladder! Oh my gosh! How ridiculous am I?!?!? I told Andy to stand at the door and ask the nurse to wait and not come in, OF COURSE everyone was in a freaking hurry to get in! The nurse came in, followed by another nurse and the doctor just as I was finishing!!! Holy good grief! I apologized and told them that I was so upset and embarrassed but I started drinking my 3 bottles of water, now, 90 minutes ago. I felt like a failure, as stupid as it sounds, I did. I figured ok, I just messed it up, we have to start the day over again. They laid me down on the table to see how much I emptied and to my surprise, they said “Oh! You still have a full bladder and are perfect to still transfer now!” This made me feel a lot better because this told me I had more than a full bladder, ha! I had every right to look like a farm animal in the middle of the OR!

They set everything up, including me and we were starting…..wow….. Behind where the doctor was seated, in between my legs, was a door to the lab. The door was opened and there was an embryologist sitting there looking into a microscope at my embryos until the doctor was ready. The nurse put the ultrasound to view my uterus and the doctor slowly inserted the long tube through my vagina, through my cervix and up to the top of my uterus to a “perfect” implantation spot. Andy held my hand tightly as we both watched the screen anxiously. The doctor said “I’m ready!” The embryologist brought a long skinny tube in that contained our 2 embryos. The doctor inserted that tube into the tube that was in me and the embryologist counted 1, 2, 3…..right after we saw a tiny white dot on the screen move into my uterus. It was done. It looked like a shooting star how it just moved about an inch across the screen. They hit replay a few times for us so we could watch it over again. It was precious and so surreal.

 tools were taken away, my legs were released from the stirrups, they laid a warm towel over me, gave us directions about my care for the next 24 hours and 2 weeks and told us we were scheduled to come in on 12-21-12 in the morning for our pregnancy test. The nurses and doctor left. We were left in the dimmed OR, alone…..it was so quiet and peaceful. We weren’t sure how to feel or what to do. They told me they wanted me to lay flat and still for about 45 minutes. They gave us a picture of our embryos right before they were implanted. We sat and talked, kissed, and looked at our embryos and thanked each other for doing a great job. It was kind of nice how they have you be alone and make it calm.

 Of course, 10 minutes go by and Andy has to run to find the nurse to find another bedpan! Poor guy…..I thought he had to do a lot after my surgery in October and giving me needles, now Andy has to put a bedpan under me and help me go to the bathroom again! Then he has to move it! I felt horrible, but couldn’t do anything about it! He had no problem and told me to stop apologizing, what a good guy. Finally, around noon, we were able to leave. Of course I went to the bathroom again before we left haha, which was weird….they told us I would not urinate the embryos out or push them out, but I still felt I needed to be very cautious.

As we left, the nurse told us that our “potential” due date would be August 26th-this was so hard to describe. Did I want to know this? However, we did find it quite interesting that last month I went to see a psychic medium that had many legitimate things to say and when she told me about my future in the regards to children, she told me she saw 2 pregnancies but 2-3 kids and that the number 26 was important but she did not know why……believe what you want, I don’t know how much I believe in it, but it doesn’t hurt to have hope and believe she is right.

Embryos 1 & 2

Embryo 2

Embryo 1

I rode all the way home laying down and have been laying down all day since we got home except to sit up to eat, yummy and stand up to get my butt shot…..sheesh! I am on bed rest until Sunday afternoon and then for the next 2 weeks I must take it very easy but stay busy. Andy and I are going to try and do some holiday things together such as Longwood Gardens to keep us busy but calm and happy. I am trying to stay positive, hopeful and just tell myself that we did everything we could and we have no control over what happens now. Thank you all so much for reading my blogs so far and for your very kind words and prayers. This blog has been very helpful to share our experience that will hopefully end with a tiny miracle.

Unplanned visit

Yesterday I called the doctor because I was concerned about 2 things: I was losing 1-1.5lb each day since my retrieval on Monday (only time in my life I'd inquire about weight LOSS) and I was constantly having to urinate at least once per hour, even in the middle of the night and actually able to urinate a lot every single time....this was absolutely not normal for me.  Now, I am aware that my ovaries are big and my body is most likely not used to it, however, I know I have to have a full bladder for the embryo transfer and really do not want to mess anything up, so I called the office just to be cautious. The office called me back and told me to come in RIGHT AWAY! Well, I almost lost it, had no idea what they were thinking,  is there something wrong with me? Will I not be able to do the transfer? Am I sick? Oh my gosh....Andy works 45 minutes away from home and would not be able to meet me at the office on time and although I had offers from people to be there with me, I knew I had to do this on my own and tell Andy what was going on.

I got to the office and as always tried to be my smiling self and make a joke out of my visit.  I told the nurses I just missed my daily monitoring and internal ultrasounds so much that I couldn't wait until tomorrow! They laughed and told me everything was fine but they had to be sure nothing was up. They told me to just keep a watch on my weight, that they would only be real concerned if it was a big weight gain. They suspected I had a UTI, however they only symptom I had was, a had to pee a lot and often! No pain or weird sensations and such.  They did a urine test, internal ultrasound, abdominal ultrasound and the usual doctor screens. Everything looked and sounded completely normal.  They gave the ultrasound pictures to the medical director and she said nothing seemed abnormal and it seems my ovaries are 4 TIMES the size the normally are and that my bladder just doesn't have any room and most likely the retrieval on Monday made the ovaries a bit more swollen from the procedure.  They reassured that I would be fine and still have my transfer on Saturday, I was beyond relieved and told them I had no idea how I would hold my urine during the transfer if I can't do it now! They told me I'd be fine, I left and called Andy and my Mom and everyone else I worried and went home to relax to get ready for the big day!