The night of retrieval we obviously did not hear from the doctors about our eggs and we had to wait 24 hours before getting an update, this was very odd for me and made me feel like a total weirdo! For those 24 hours of waiting I felt empty.......SO WEIRD I KNOW!!! I have been growing these eggs inside my uterus for the last 2 weeks, giving myself daily injections, and be very careful so they were healthy and now they were all taken out of me and I have no control over what happens from here on out......what an odd freaking feeling.....they are just eggs!!! This is what I tell myself, yet I still have this feeling that I want to go to the lab they're in and watch them myself and make sure the embryologists that are watching my eggs are doing everything right! Ugh.....control issues here.....
So they did a process on the night of retrieval that they call ICSI, which I believe is the process where they fertilize my eggs with Andy's sperm. We received our first update Tuesday morning, 24 hours after my retrieval. They told us that out of the 10 eggs they retrieved from me, 9 were mature. They performed the ICSI and throughout the night, we lost 3 but 6 developed through that phase. I did not know how to feel about this. I felt overwhelmingly sad that we had lost 3 in just 24 short hours, but at the same time was very pleased to know we still had 6 strong ones hanging on. THEN....so many thoughts rushed through my head that if we lose 3 every 24 hours, that will leave ZERO to implant into me on Saturday :( Will this be the case? I can't do ANYTHING about ANYTHING!!!
I have felt a roller coaster of emotions over the last few days. I barely sleep because of the emotions and worry and on top of the emotions I am so uncomfortable! My ovaries are still humungo and I am still sore from the retrieval surgery so sleeping on my stomach is absolutely not happening, but now we do nightly injections of progesterone in the rear, so it hurts when I sit or lay on my buttocks, plus I have night sweats so I wake up freezing cold but am covered in sweat (awesome!) plus with my ovaries being so big my bladder is being completely squeezed so I have to run to the bathroom once an hour....this is some crazy stuff no one tells you about when you hear someone is going through IVF-geeze!!! But it is SO ALL WORTH IT to work towards getting our little miracle.
So at this point we had 6 embryos still living and on Wednesday they would be left alone to grow and develop in their incubators. We received a message this morning (Thursday) and I was terrified to open it. I thought to myself, ok, we lost 3 in the first 24 hours and we have not heard about our embryos in 48 hours now and I tried to prepare myself for being down to 3 or 4. I opened the message from RAD and it told us that as of this morning, all 6 of our embryos were still living!!! WOW! I was beyond happy and tears filled up my eyes, I think from shock and a slap of hope in my face to not always think negative. However, the message did explain that all 6 embryos were still alive but at all different stages of development and to be prepared that all 6 most likely will not make it to "blastocyst" stage which is when they are ready for transfer/implantation into the body or ready to be frozen for later use/implantation. I had spoken to a few women I have met that have gone through IVF and all 3 I spoke to had 2 on the day of transfer.....1 to implant and 1 to freeze for later use. I think I have put into my head to hope for 2. Everyone keeps telling me "but you only need 1!!!" which yes, this is VERY true, I do only need 1 to implant for 1 chance. However, if this does not work and I do not become pregnant than we want to try again. If I do not have any embryos to freeze than we have to start all over again instead of just doing a simple frozen transfer. At this point I am a bundle of emotions.....just today so far I have cried from being sad, cried from being scared, cried from being shocked, cried from being happy, yelled for being angry and laughed for being comforted.......how is this healthy for ones body to go through these ups and downs every single day?
At this point, we will not get a message about our embryos until we get to the office on Saturday morning at which point they will explain how many are still alive and what their quality looks like. From our understanding, if we only have 2 left and they are both low quality, they may transfer both embryos in which is risky but at the same time could give us better chances....technology is INSANE, AMAZING but never PROMISING. I thought this would be a very hard physical challenge, no way......I can probe and stick myself all day but the emotional challenge is something I have surprised the hell out of myself with and every day I need to stop and think and realize how goddamn strong Andy has become, how strong I have become and a part of me used to hate this process because I felt it was ripping our marriage apart.....I now almost thank this journey because I believe it has made Andy and I's marriage so strong and our relationship and friendship better than it ever has been. We have found this new love for each other that in the past we would want to hate each other for, but I think we are now starting to understand each other more, which is so weird to say being that I totally do not feel like myself at all anymore.
I have had so many new thoughts and questions run through my head that I can't believe some of them and others, I feel quite often. The thought of my ugliness has gone through my mind so many times, almost daily. Will Andy leave me for someone who can have a baby? Will he leave me for someone that doesn't have ridiculous stretch marks and bruises all over their stomach and butt? Will I always be a person who cannot do what a woman is supposed to do? Will I always be so tired and angry? Will I every be able to look at a baby and see myself? Will I every be able to look at a baby and tell my husband it looks just like him? Will I ever have someone need my unconditional love the way I have needed my Moms?
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
Retrieval Time!
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| Here we go! So nervous & excited for the egg retrieval! |
I took a nice long shower (even shaved my legs, in preparation to prize myself with a pedicure this week!) then dried my hair (didn't even style it!) put on comfy loose clothes and warm socks and we headed out the door around 7am. I really tried to tell myself to stay calm that this was another step in our journey that could lead to the most amazing miracle we will ever know. It helped to stay calm by me driving and us even stopping to return rented movies. This may all sound silly but if I am in control and driving and making "every day" stops then it makes me feel better! I don't know, call me crazy! We pulled in to Christiana Hospital and walked in to Medical Pavilion 2 where RAD is. As soon as I walked into the building, my belly WENT! It hit me, I was so nervous and (TMI) had to use the bathroom!!! Andy checked us in and I went to the potty. When I was done, Andy and a nurse were waiting for me to take me back to the recovery room to get prepped. As I walked through the office I said hello to 4 nurses that I have gotten to know through this process and they all had huge smiles on their faces, said good morning and hyped me up and asked if I was ready for fun! They are all so nice at this practice which is beyond helpful when stress is high.
The nurse explained the entire procedure step-by-step to Andy and I and what would happen. She also went over post-op directions so I would understand them since after surgery I would be out of it and not remember. I then changed into my beautiful gown and waited very nervously. The anesthesiologist came in and explained that I would be put into a "twilight sedation" which is a conscious sedation-he explained that I would be in lala land but still be able to hear them and answer questions, however, when I woke up I most likely would not remember the surgery.....um, ok......remember this!
I gave Andy a kiss goodbye and told him I loved him and the nurse and anesthesiologist walked with me into the OR. It was so chilly, thats why they let me keep my warm sockies on for surgery! They lowered the table and told me to scoot up through the huge stirrups onto the table and lay down. There were 2 nurses, 1 med student, 1 "new girl" and the anesthesiologist around the bed setting everything up and talking to me about how much IV's suck because they stay inside you and its not just a prick and I was saying how ridiculous I was that I could put 3 shots into my belly every day with no problem and have my blood drawn every morning for the last 10 days and have my husband put a huge needle in my butt every night, yet I get so nervous for an IV. I asked the anesthesiologist to be nice to my hand and the nice guy he was joked back and said "oh yes, I got the comfort IV's just for you, they'll be so comfortable they'll put you right to sleep!" haha, funny guy! I tried talking about anything and everything with the nurses while the anesthesiologist kept instructing me to make a fist and pump my hand in and out and I was really trying to ignore him but I really just wanted him to hurry up and make me fall asleep!!! IV was in and he said to me "lift up your head so I can put this mask on you, I'm going to put you to slee.....I'm going to give you oxygen," I was like yes! Here we go, i'm going to be out soon! I'm breathing in.....out.....in......out ok.......still breathing, still just looking around.....still hearing everything. Ok, I told myself, relax Lindsey, close your eyes and just take a little nappy poo.......I closed my eyes for a minute, then I heard them say "Ok, shes ready, go ahead and get the doctor." I of course was now a bit sleepy but still felt pretty much with it but it felt so good to close my eyes.
The doctor came in and said "Hi Lindsey! This is going to be nice and quick and you shouldn't feel much." I apparently was very excited and said "Awesome, lets do this!" Right away the anesthesiologist said "Ok Lindsey, breathe deep and close your eyes." He then began rubbing my head and cheeks, so sweet and kind of weird because many anesthesiologists don't always have the best bed side manner.
They lifted my legs up (which felt like a thousand pounds) into the stirrups and the doctor said he now going to do....something? I felt a cold burst, not sure what it was because I was sleepy but still feel like I was more awake than I was supposed to be. He then said ok, lets get those eggs from the left ovary, I said "yea!" and right away, the anesthesiologist rubbed my head and told me to close my eyes and take slow deep breaths, I think he was surprised that I was so awake!
I felt a lot of pressure in my lower back and a big pinch then burning pressure, I began to wiggle my toes and scrunch my face, the doctor and anesthesiologist told me to try and relax. I told him it hurt and the anesthesiologist began lightly tapping my cheeks....I thought, is he trying to cause some pain in my cheeks so it takes my mind off of my ovaries??? haha The pressure stopped and it felt awesome! I then felt another burst of coldness and the doctor said, "Alright, to the right ovary we go!" I laughed and the anesthesiologist AGAIN told me to relax and close my eyes......what is going on???? Why in the world am I awake still??? And why is he telling me to relax and close my eyes.....isn't it his job to make me do this through my IV and huge mask on my face??? I felt the same thing again, back pressure, a big pinch and then burning pressure. I heard the doctor say "lets make sure to get every little bit out," and then a big rush of pressure again. Next thing I know, the doctor said I was all done and it went well! I relaxed and closed my eyes and then they turned on the bright light! What the heck!!! I want to sleep now!
They cleaned me up, took my legs out of the stirrups and brought the stretcher over. They had me (I guess because I was WIDE AWAKE) climb onto the stretcher myself and then they wheeled me out of the OR and into the recovery room. They took my vitals and told me that before the surgery my blood pressure was very high but now it was pretty darn low, but it was normal. They went and got my husband to come back with me and I closed my eyes, ahhhhhh I was not in any pain and felt so relaxed.
Andy came back with a big smile on his face (not sure if it was because he got to see me or because he just gave a sperm specimen, haha) but it was so nice to see him. The doctor came in a few minutes later to let us know everything went great and out of the 13 follicles I had in my ovaries, they had 10 mature eggs. I asked why there was not 13 eggs if I had 13 follicles and he explained that some of the follicles did not have mature eggs in them, which is normal. I then told him I wondered how my fatty follicle was doing and that I was eager to see if that one would survive-he explained that sometimes the bigger follicles are ones that do not survive because they are too mature, boo......my little chumba wumba might have been too much of an overachiever......the nurse said, "you had a big one huh?" She looked at my print out from surgery and said "oh yes you did! 25mm! that is a bigger one!" 25mm....that one little follicle was 1 inch in diameter!! Holy cow......no wonder I'm so bloated, round and having trouble moving! (This is what I tell myself!) The nurse went over all instructions again and explained that I will feel crampy, sore and bloated. Andy asked about my ovaries and how long it takes for them to go back to normal size, the nurse explained that it could take 2-3 MONTHS!!! What?? Holy moly!!! We had no idea! But this makes sense as to why I still have so many restrictions because the ovaries are now even more likely to move around or get twisted with exercising, stair use etc. because they're huge and empty.
They asked if I would be returning to work tomorrow and I said yes, she told me that I need to be very careful and to try and limit everything. She asked if I was able to teach from a seated position, I told her I didn't think it would be a problem. We were instructed on what to do tonight (meds and shots) and that my TRANSFER was scheduled right now for Saturday, December 8th at 9am.....wow-crazy how quickly this all seems to go. At this time they will implant a strong embryo into my uterus, give us a picture of the embryo and a potential "due date." Holy crap............
They put me in a wheel chair, wheeled me downstairs and helped me into our car.
Andy stopped at WaWa to get me some yummy cheese quesadillas (they said to go home and have some toast, but I opted out of the healthy/bland diet, i'm a fat girl) and we relaxed, ate and fell asleep. I took a nice 3 hour nap then woke up to PAIN!!! Not unbearable, but it was painful! I am very crampy and uncomfortable. Every time I move or stand up, I feel like my pelvic area does not want to come with me and it pulls.....owwwwwy! I got to sit and watch Andy put the Christmas tree lights on and just fall in love with the possibility of this amazing journey......so surreal.....so wonderful.....so scary.....so confusing.......so testing.....technology is unreal, and we hope and pray that technology works for us.
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| What a hottie! Eggs have been retrieved! |
Saturday, December 1, 2012
The Scary Truth: More Pictures
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| My ovaries are 3 times their normal size! |
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| The bruising has really brought out the stretch marks and surgery scars! Yikes! |
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| Holy cow! I was down to my lowest weight 1 week ago and now I look like I have a baby in there! |
One day I will look like this but with a baby in my belly.....
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| All 3 shelves were filled with my medication a week ago, now, we're down to only 1 shelf! |
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| Bruising and scars. Again, do not mind the stretch marks |
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| There ya go! Bloated bruised belly! |
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| Finally belly injection day......yucky! |
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| the nasty truth that could lead to something BEAUTIFUL!!!! |
Some graphic yet real life pictures!
Step-by-step of how I would give myeslf my 3 shots each night. Please do not not mind the gross belly and stretch marks, I am trying to keep this real and not hold back!
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| Always ice before!!! |
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| Time to mix! |
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| Follistim pen, low-dose HCG and Cetrotide |
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| Wipe the area with alcohol before injecting! |
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| Yep! Its numb and ready! |
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| Gotta squeeze the fat! |
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| Injection #1 |
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| Follistim pen-always the hardest one |
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| Ouch, it burns at the end of each injection |
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| Low-dose HCG is tiny! yea! |
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| Feeling the burn of all meds, time to walk around |
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| Ouchy.....really? Is this my life now? |
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| Time for a band-aid, but I have to be sure to not leave it on for too long or I could develop an allergy! |
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| Needle bruising |
TRIGGER TIME!
Andy and I went in today, Saturday, December 1, 2012 for my daily monitoring. We left and had a wonderful day with my family cutting down a Christmas Tree, having lunch and shopping! As we were out, we received our daily phone call telling us the next steps from RAD, todays phone call was different....they said I was ahead of schedule and that I would be giving myself my trigger shot TONIGHT at exactly 8pm to prepare for my egg retrieval surgery on Monday morning at 8am. The trigger shot neeed to be given EXACTLY 36 hours before my surgery so I could not do the shot any earlier or later than 8pm! WOW! Andy and I were very excited but overwhelmed at the same time. I was done with the belly shots but tonight, was a intramuscular injection into my butt....ouch! I was NERVOUS!!!! Andy and I got home from our family fun day around 4:30pm and knew I had 3.5 hours until THE SHOT.......we brought the tree in and began decorating the house....anything to keep me busy!!! 7:30 came and we knew it was time to head upstairs and start preparing the shot. We got all supplies out and we went through the directions step-by-step together to mix and make the injection. Once it was made, it was 8:00, OH NO! We can't be late!!! Luckily I had begun to ice my bottom area 15 minutes prior.....the area was nice and numb and Andy was ready to inject.....I on the other hand started to freak out!!! Andy told me it was time and we had to go! I said ok! Bent over the dresser, pulled my pants down, he wiped it with alcohol, and nice and straight like a dart put the needle all the way in through the skin, through the fat and into the muscle and injected the trigger shot! Right after we were to apply pressure and heat right away and start walking around to help spread the medicine and to help the pain. The needle pain was not bad because I numbed with ice beforehand, but the medicine in the muscle I could definitely feel! I instantly felt sick to my stomach and bloated.....not sure what it was from but 3 hours later I am feeling a bit better but still a bit different. I am very excited that I get tomorrow off and do not have to go in for monitoring, take any pills or give myeslf any needles.....but I am going to really enjoy it and be sure to stay stress-free and prepare for Mondays egg retrieval!!!!
AMAZING FRIENDS! 12 days of IVF
Daily Monitoring
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